The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

A Dog's Eye View of Humanity
I might secretly be a dog person, or maybe subconsciously ... but if you were to ask me I would tell you I'm not a dog person. Oh, but how I loved Enzo.

On the eve of his death, Enzo (a dog) tells what amounts to his master's life story. Stein's attention to detail was amazing - the book read like it was written by somebody who took the time to stop and think "what would a dog feel/do in this situation?" As a result, Enzo is memorable and lovable. He's at once a crotchety old man, and an innocent youth. He's wise, he's naive, and he is devoted.

I'm not going to lie to you, this book is very sad. But it is also laugh out loud funny at times, and filled with love, devotion, philosophy and hopefulness.

It's a beautiful book and definitely one of my favorites of the year.

Wonderful Whimsical Winterson ...

I have a problem.

The problem is that on a pretty much daily basis (through the magic of the internet) I become exposed to books that I JUST HAVE TO READ. So I say ... OK ... Just this one book. That one book never ends up being less than four. (It's a good thing I'm not a drinker ...)

My problems are further compounded by the fact that often times once I've read said book(s), I have fallen in love with the author and then have to read everything they've ever written and my formidable 'to be read pile' never seems to get any smaller, and in fact, has gotten to quite a problematic size.

Which brings me to Jeanette Winterson.

My first Winterson was:



which ended up being one of the best books I read in 2007. The Passion takes place in the time of Napoleon but isn't really historical fiction. Winterson uses the the time and place as a backdrop for her unique characters and amazing writing.

An absolute must read.



was my next book of hers, and I was reminded of how brilliantly she can turn a phrase. There's a whimsical almost fairy tale aspect, with a bit of darkness, and humor. Brilliantly executed, as evidenced by this prime quote:

"....I discovered from my time in the brothel that men's members, if bitten off or otherwise severed, do not grow again. This seems a great mistake on the part of nature, since men are so careless with their members and will put them anywhere without thinking."

Winterson has about 10 more books for me to add to my Wish List, and it is my sincere hope that my problem becomes your problem. It's a good problem to have ... kind of a Pay it Forward thing.

Enjoy!

How To Be That Guy.

Being "that guy" does not actually come naturally. It takes time and practice, and while one can aspire to be "that guy," it can't happen without first becoming a "douche" an "asshole" and the stage just before "that guy", a "dick."

When trying to be "that guy" it's best to start small. Follow these simple suggestions and you'll be on your way.

Grow a mustache. Especially if you can't grow a mustache, and there's only a few errant non-head-hair matching hairs hanging out over your lip.

To be "that guy," outdated jokes and vernacular are critical. i.e. 1992 called, they want their flannel back. (uh, incidentally … 1992 called, they want their joke back.)

One word: NASCAR

Read one, and only one book in your entire life: The DaVinci Code

Master these four easy steps and you'll easily be deemed a douche.

The next steps require a more active role in your "That Guyness" growth.

Answer your cell phone in a movie theater. While the movie is playing. And have a conversation. When people give you dirty looks, look right back at them with an "excuse me, I'm having a conversation here look."

This behavior automatically makes you an asshole. Congratulations!

Getting in people's way and staying there makes you a dick, and here are a couple sure fire ways to be one.

When boarding an airplane, particularly a super full flight, make sure you are sitting towards the front, and that you board first. Aisle 10 is good. When you get to aisle 10, put your luggage down in the aisle and spend a good 3-4 minutes getting yourself situated while the people behind you cannot get by. Sit in the aisle seat, even if you are assigned the window and then wait for the person who has the aisle assigned to show up and ask you to move.

Bonus points if right before the doors close you make a call on your cell phone, ignore both requests to turn it off (the flight attendant and the Captain,) and have to have the flight attendant tap you on the shoulder before you will comply.

Here's another winner, when ordering to go food, be sure to stand in front of the cash registers until you get your food so that no one else can order. This technique can also be applied to ordering food by blocking the cash register while reading the menu and not allowing others to get in front of you even if they already know what they are having.

Once you have mastered all three stages, you will be "That Guy."

I am often asked, is there no fast track to being that guy? There is one. But it's dangerous, so I urge you to use extreme caution when deploying this method. It can only occur in Vegas.

Drink Jager shots at the Blackjack table, even though you are 39 years old and down a thousand dollars (side note: If you don't want to be "that guy" you stop drinking Jager when you are 22.)

Jager drinkers fast forward through douche and instantly become assholes, if they vomit as a result of drinking too much Jager and the vomit hits another person they get a free pass to "dick." If, the next day, with a hangover that would make Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas look like he was carrying around a 10-years-sober chip, they drink even one shot of Jager they instantly become "that guy." Thus, in 24-hours in Vegas, one could potentially become "that guy."

Another quick hit is, when you are in Vegas, run around chanting "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," and then laugh yourself silly like nobody else ever said that before and try to high-five strippers. What you don't know, is that "that guy" comes home with you and you can never live him down. Genius marketing notwithstanding.

Bonus points if you use the "What happens here, stays here" line in someplace not Vegas. i.e. What Happens in New Foundland, Stays in New Foundland.

Being inconsiderate, obnoxious and kind of a douche takes work. But if you follow the guidelines outlined above, you too could be "That Guy."

Uh, good luck?